Kayley Loring

“I am a good and loyal boyfriend. I am not your ex-husband. Don’t tell me how I feel and what I want.”

My heart is so full of love for the youngest Brodie brother right now that it actually feels like my left boob has grown.

“Defo!” his wife says. Donna is from Australia, and although she has lived in the US for most of her life, I don’t understand half of the words that come out of her mouth. But I love both of them too!

And I’ve only thrice imagined a photo of us on the cover of the LA Times with the headline: Beautiful model/actor Dylan Brodie arrives at DGA screening with aging divorced mom therapist who is promptly sent to Hollywood prison for wearing a three-year-old Banana Republic sweater and leggings with dog hair all over them.

I really hope you don’t put your penis in Tabitha’s vagina or anyone’s vagina but mine forever and ever amen.

Does that mean Scarlett doesn’t think I’m a man?

I grab a spoon from the kitchen and eat the soup straight from the storage container, and it’s so good and nourishing I could cry.

But I won’t.

Because I’m a fucking man.