Patricia Evans

Since the microcosm of personal relationship influences the macrocosm of civilization just as the civilization — its customs and culture — influences personal relationship, it is in our relationships that we might effect this change.

rather like a fish out of water, not yet an amphibian

One of our greatest needs is to understand and to be understood. In a verbally abusive relationship, the partner’s need to understand and to be understood is not met. On the other hand, her belief that her mate is rational and that understanding can be reached keeps her in the relationship.

Functional information is, of course, important, but it cannot be the only form of communication if there is to be a real relationship. Two other kinds of communication are also important. These are communications which engage another and communications which respond to another.

Criticism disguised as help or advice is abusive.

vent his anger.

This cycle carries a double reward for the abuser.

Being verbally shouted at, raged at, or snapped at leaves the partner in pain and confusion. These attacks throw her off balance. They disrupt her equilibrium and batter her spirit. Although they have nothing to do with the partner in their origin, they hurt her, because hostility against another human being, whether it is physical or emotional, is painful.

If he directs all his anger at her and blames her for it as well, if mutual friends tell her how lucky she is to have such a wonderful mate, if the abuse doesn’t take place in public, if the abuser tells her he loves her, if her family of origin did not provide a good model of a loving relationship, she may have no idea that she is actually suffering from abuse. She will keep looking for rational reasons for her mate’s behavior.

Abusive anger diminishes the partner’s desire for sexual intimacy. When this occurs, the abuser then accuses her of being uncaring and unfeeling, and she may think that something is wrong with her.

Some signs of abusive anger are a lack of warmth from your mate as well as all verbal abuse, irritable outbursts, sneers, argumentativeness, temper tantrums, shouting, yelling, raging, explosiveness, and sarcasm that is directed toward you and/or others.