Richard Osman

The Last Devil To Die

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  • Anahas quotedlast year
    That’s the thing about Coopers Chase. You’d imagine it was quiet and sedate, like a village pond on a summer’s day. But in truth it never stops moving, it’s always in motion. And that motion is ageing, and death, and love, and grief, and final snatched moments and opportunities grasped. The urgency of old age. There’s nothing that makes you feel more alive than the certainty of death.
  • Anahas quotedlast year
    I think we’re due a period of peace and quiet now, aren’t we? A few months without murders, and corpses, without diamonds and spies, without guns and drugs and people threatening to kill us. Some time for Elizabeth to find her new feet.

    I’ll tell you what I’d like instead. A few weddings. I don’t mind who. Donna and Bogdan, Chris and Patrice, Ron and Pauline, maybe Joanna and the football chairman. That’s what happens when you get older. Too many funerals, not enough weddings. And I love a wedding. Bring them on. Bring on love.
  • Anahas quotedlast year
    The daffodils are out very early this year. I’ve seen the daffodils bloom for nearly eighty years now, and they are still a miracle to me. To still be here, to see the flowers that so many other people won’t see. Every year, poking their heads up to see who’s still around to enjoy the show. Though they are out very early this year, which I know is probably global warming, and everyone will end up dying. You can still appreciate a flower though, can’t you? Gives you hope, despite the apocalypse.
  • Anahas quotedlast year
    Ron and Pauline have just got back from a weekend in Copenhagen. I asked Ron what it was like and he said it was like everywhere else abroad. When Ron dies, I don’t think we will be taking his ashes to Baghdad.
  • Anahas quotedlast year
    What else can I tell you? Joanna bought me an air-fryer. I’m just experimenting with it at the moment – a spaghetti Bolognese and some sausage rolls – but so far so good. I realize I’ve had a kettle full of diamonds and a microwave full of heroin recently, so you never know what it might come in handy for one day.
  • Anahas quotedlast year
    Coopers Chase is full of widows and widowers. Falling asleep with ghosts, and waking up alone. You have to soldier on, and Elizabeth will do that. Of course not
    everyone here assisted in the death of their partner, but, between you, me and the gatepost, there are more than you’d think. Love has its own laws.
  • Anahas quotedlast year
    The box, that simple little box, which once held the spirits of the devils, then held a big bag of heroin, then contained my drain unblocker, multi-surface polish and bin bags, now contains Stephen’s ashes. Jonjo flew over to Iraq with it. It’s on his Instagram. I didn’t know professors were allowed Instagram.
  • Anahas quotedlast year
    The contracts with Sayed are signed, and she is now a major heroin importer, but that’s not what she feels guilty about either. Someone is going to import heroin, so why not her?

    In truth she knows. Of course she knows. She has lied to Ibrahim. Worse than that, she has used him. She had wanted to say sorry when he left the other day, but she doesn’t yet have the words. Connie is not sure she has ever said sorry and meant it. Her florist had organized flowers for him, but that’s not saying sorry either.

    Connie shuts her eyes. She tries to think about Garth,
    running loose. He’ll find out at some point that Connie ordered his wife’s death, and he’ll come looking for her. That’s fine – Connie enjoys thinking about that sort of thing. Garth v Connie, that’ll be a battle worth watching.

    But the images of Garth keep getting replaced by images of Ibrahim, his kind eyes and his gentle soul. His belief in her. She tries to concentrate on guns, and drugs, and chaos, but Ibrahim’s kindness is stronger.

    Connie will find a way to say sorry one day.
  • Anahas quotedlast year
    Word is the police actually think that Nina Mishra killed Samantha too. Poor Nina. Though, in Connie’s experience, when you start killing people you do tend to get stereotyped. Comes with the job.
  • Anahas quotedlast year
    ‘You lied to Donna?’

    Bogdan looks at Donna.

    ‘He didn’t lie to me,’ says Donna. ‘I knew too. Garth was the only one Nina would confess to. And without the confession we had nothing. I would have done anything to get her. Kuldesh was the first person who knew Bogdan was in love with me.’

    ‘I told a guy at the gym too,’ says Bogdan.

    ‘Don’t spoil it, baby,’ says Donna.
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