Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer says to his client.
“What’s the bad news?”
The lawyer says:
“Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.”
“Dammit!” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”

Doctor, Doctor, my little boy just swallowed a roll of film!”
“Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.”

A mother brings her five year old son to the doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“So Doctor, what do you think is the matter with my little boy?” she asks.
The doctor replies, “He’s just not eating properly.”

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”
“Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”
They agreed this is a good idea.
The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over-bill my patients as often as I can.”
The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I often pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”
The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

A police officer in a small town stopped a driver who was speeding down Main Street.
“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain —”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

n engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over space. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because the thermos keeps hot

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:
– I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.
– In that case, – said the patient,

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

The doctor explained to Jenkins that he had a serious ailment for which an operation was absolutely imperative.
The patient turned pale and asked, “Isn’t it very dangerous?”
“Yes,” the doctor replied. “Five out of six who undergo this operation die, but as for you, you have nothing to worry about.”
“Why not?” eagerly inquired the patient.
“Well, you’re sure to recover because my last five patients died,” the doctor reassured him.