For Better For Worse

The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one’s relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvellous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life.
Sir Hugh Walpole (1884-1941)

We might think, when we embark on the adventure of marriage, that loving and cherishing would come easily. Not a bit of it. Even when everything’s working out for better rather than worse and we’re richer than we ever hoped, and in the best of health, as the novelty of shared domesticity wears off, there will be times when we wonder what on earth we’ve let ourselves in for.

‘Every wife should draw for her husband a detailed map of the house, showing clearly the location of everything he might need…’

It hardly needs saying that it’s good for a relationship if, in the evening, partners sit down to eat together, rather than slump side by side in front of the television with their plates on their laps.

Dear Husband
Your woman is a different biological human being.
Don’t expect her to behave the way you do.
Don’t ignore her complaints.
She expects emotional support.
A woman doesn’t like a miser, so don’t be stingy.
Don’t begrudge her visits to her parents.
Don’t forget to flirt with her and satisfy her desire.
No verbal assaults.
Don’t expect her to solve problems in a reasonable
way. She is too passionate to solve them logically.
Don’t interfere in how she runs the house.
Let her feel the queen of her nest.
Try to satisfy her femininity by admiring her
clothes, make-up, cooking.
Take into consideration her mood swings.
A woman is a social being. Don’t try to restrict her
freedom in social relations.
A husband committing adultery is the harshest issue
to a woman, so don’t even think about doing it.

Their advice can be summed up in three recommendations: understand from the start that it won’t always be easy; listen to the advice of those who have come through the bad times and enjoyed the good times; and keep your sense of humour.

His failure to communicate about day-to-day events drives me up the wall’).

When she nags or complains, instead of resenting it, act to put it right before you forget again – replace the light bulb, mend the trouser pocket. But do it, not in the expectation of acknowledgement but for your own satisfaction in a job completed.

Actions speak louder than words. Being unselfish on a daily basis in ways that give pleasure can make you happy as well as your partner, cooking what he likes, watching his favourite TV programme even if it bores you, putting the rubbish out.

The key is not to start out in marriage with unrealistic expectations. As one husband in a happy marriage told me, ‘Two intelligent, sane people from roughly the same background should be able to make it work. It’s too much idealism that can cause doubt and misery.’ It’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming that the delicious state of heightened emotion, of being ‘in love’, will last for ever: but would Romeo and Juliet or Cathy and Heathcliff have lived happily ever after? And can we be sure the Darcys’ marriage wasn’t sabotaged by in-law trouble?