Английский шутя

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
God says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them," God replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
God says, "So they would love you!"

A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"