The Chaos of Standing Still

I close my eyes.

I clutch the piece of paper to my chest.

And I whisper into the sky, “Always.”

Wanna hear something crazy?

Los Angeles and San Francisco

Apparently, I’m an open book.

I just couldn’t read the pages.

Until now.

Until the guilt melts away with the snow.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I know that the universe, in its vast, unpredictable, chaotic wisdom, is watching out for me.

Kissing Xander is like waking up the right way. The natural way.

With the sun.

With light.

It breaks through with slow determination. It eases you out of the darkness gradually. It rouses you with warmth, reminding you that the day is new, and living is good, and anything can happen.

What if life is unpredictable?

What if people leave for no reason?

What if losing is just another part of living?

What if the universe can’t be controlled?

What if chaos is good?

What if some questions can never be answered?

What if that’s okay?

I think that’s okay.

I was the planet to her sun. I lit up because I was near her. I spent so many years trying to catch a fragment of her light that I failed to realize I could shine on my own.

And Lottie. She needed someone to orbit around her.

But what’s my identity now? It’s a question that’s been banging on the door of my subconscious for an entire year. And yet I still can’t answer it.

Or perhaps I’ve just been too terrified to answer it.

Terrified that an answer might actually exist. That the answer might actually make sense. That I might actually be someone without her.

No agony.

It’s just quiet sadness.

Sadness that I’ll carry around for the rest of my life.

Sadness that I’ll eventually learn to live with.

Sadness that will become a part of me. Shape me. Make me stronger.

Because if I can live through this, I can live through anything.