If He Had Been with Me

If he had been with me, Finny would still be alive.

We hear that hardly anyone ever goes to the Spring Fling, so we decide that it must be cool and that we will go.

But of course he never does.

He smiles up at me on the steps while he and the boys are playing shoe-ball, and my stomach flutters. Jamie. Jamie. James. Jamie.

They sat close together so that Finny and I could kick each other like twins.

If he had been with me, everything would have been different.

Just because something seems impossible doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try.

And of course, it wouldn’t be like having him back. Not really. But it would be better than not having him at all. I remember him holding Angie’s baby at the hospital, the way he stared in wonder at that small face.

And Finny smirks at me because he knows he has won.

Finny wouldn’t approve of me trying again if I am pregnant. I could argue with him all I wanted, but he wouldn’t budge. Finny couldn’t stand to let worms die on the sidewalks; I would never be able to convince him that it would be for the best.

Finny would forgive me. No, Finny will forgive me when I get to explain to him afterward. I touch the cotton wrapping with one finger.

“And when was your last menstrual cycle, dear?”

For the first time in weeks, everything within me goes still and silent.

“On what day did you last have your period, Autumn?” I look up at her face for the first time. She’s younger than I thought.

“I can’t remember,”

And I come into this room and lock the door behind me.