Helping People Change

An effective way to help people fully explore their ideal self is to have them craft a personal vision statement. We know that when organizations create clear and compelling vision statements that are shared by members of the organization, the results can be positive and powerful. They can help motivate, engage, inspire, and provide a sense of purpose and direction. We believe that a personal vision statement for one’s life can be just as meaningful for an individual.

A coach should also help individuals recognize that their real self comprises more than just how they see themselves—they also need to consider how others see them. Some might argue that how others see them is rooted in perception and doesn’t necessarily reflect who they really are. But the truth of the matter is that others’ collective perceptions of us essentially represent how we show up in the world, which is a key aspect of who we are. Thus, to help the people they are coaching enhance their self-awareness and develop a more comprehensive view of their real self, the coach should suggest they periodically seek feedback from others.

An important role for the coach during this discovery is to help individuals identify the areas of their lives where their ideal self and real self are already aligned. Those areas are their strengths, which can be leveraged later in the change process. Next, the coach should help individuals identify any areas where their real self is not currently aligned with their ideal self. These represent gaps that can ideally be closed through targeted behavioral change efforts.

When coaching individuals toward discovering their ideal self, be sure they are tapping into who they really want to be and what they really want to do. Too often, people think they are articulating an ideal self when, in fact, they are describing what could be called an “ought” self—who they think they ought to be, or what others think they ought to be doing with their lives.

People tend to change their behavior when they want to change and in the ways they want to change. Without an internal desire to change what or how they behave, any noticeable differences are often short-lived.

key learning points

Great coaches inspire, encourage, and support others in the pursuit of their dreams and the achievement of their full potential. We call this coaching with compassion. We contrast this with coaching for compliance, in which a coach attempts to move an individual toward some externally defined objective.
Coaching others to truly achieve sustained, desired change requires developing a resonant relationship with them. A resonant relationship is one characterized by an authentically compassionate connection and a positive emotional tone.

When coaches are mindful, they are fully present with the person they are coaching, staying in the moment with full and conscious awareness. They are completely tuned into that person and what they are saying, as well as what they seem to be feeling. Coaches who are mindful are also very self-aware, understanding what they are personally thinking and feeling at any given moment and being careful not to project their own thoughts and feelings onto the person they are coaching.

By helping individuals identify and pursue their dreams, truly effective coaches and other helpers build and maintain resonant relationships with the people they coach. These relationships are characterized by (1) an overall positive emotional tone and (2) a genuine, authentic connection with the person being coached.

Greg’s coach asked him to spend some time reflecting on and further articulating and exploring the various aspects of his personal vision—and to try to separate his wants and his true desires from the shoulds and oughts in his life. Soon Greg began to achieve greater clarity, which restored his positive energy and motivation.

When the graduate students were matched with a coach trained in coaching with compassion as a key part of a semester-long leadership development course, they saw dramatic and significant improvements in the emotional and social intelligence competencies (i.e., behavior as seen by others) that they chose to develop in support of their personal vision. (See the research spotlight below for additional details on these studies.)4 To be specific, coaching with compassion in this context is working with people to build compelling personal visions, assess themselves through 360-degree and other feedback, develop a learning plan, and engage in peer coaching to practice new behaviors