Powerarchy

Power-with dynamics, by contrast, are the dynamics of love and, ultimately, of mindfulness, of presence. Presence is essentially the opposite of trauma and addiction. Presence is a state of mindfulness—of connection and nonviolence, whereas trauma results from and causes disconnection and violence. And although addiction creates a sense of connection—making us feel, temporarily, unified with others and ourselves—it is ultimately disconnecting. Moreover, presence is also a state of acceptance and awareness, whereas addiction is a state of craving that relies on self-delusion for its fulfillment.

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

–JIDDU KRISHNAMURTI (ATTRIBUTED)

People can also become traumatized when they witness a traumatic event and feel powerless to control the outcome. Trauma causes us to lose connection with ourselves and others; traumatized individuals feel disconnected internally and externally.30 Traumatic events also cause and reflect shame and grandiosity. Victims often experience shame, while perpetrators are frequently in a state of grandiosity, and each role and feeling feeds the other

Two drivers of addiction are a feeling of disconnection and a sense of disempowerment. Addictive behaviors create a temporary feeling of connection (i.e., a “oneness” or “unity” within oneself and with others) and empowerment. However, once the high (from drinking, gambling, sex, etc.) wears off, the feelings of disconnection and disempowerment often actually increase.

Trauma and addiction are two sides of the power-over coin; they are both expressions of power-over dynamics, and they tend to reinforce one another. It is no coincidence that many people who have been traumatized also suffer from addiction, and that addiction is often a traumatizing experience for the individual who is addicted (as well as for those in their life).

Indeed, beneath all our striving to feel powerful, in control, beautiful, successful, and so on, what each of us truly wants is to feel that we are enough, that we are worthy. We want to feel that regardless of what we do, it is who we are, intrinsically, that matters. We want to feel pride. Healthy pride is not the expression of an inflated ego but rather the recognition that we are fundamentally worthy

Shame is arguably the foundation of human psychological dysfunction and, by extension, social dysfunction

Shaming others is a counterproductive means of encouraging positive change in their attitudes and behaviors. Indeed, research has demonstrated that people typically respond to being shamed by engaging in defensive, power-over dynamics; they are less likely to think rationally and act compassionately.

Practicing power with ultimately helps us evolve toward our highest and deepest selves because it helps bring us into a state of mindfulness, or presence. When we are in a state of presence, we are in the moment. We do not ruminate about the future or lament the past; rather, we mindfully focus our awareness on others’ and our own current unfolding experience. We feel connected with others and ourselves through our empathy and compassion— through our recognition of our shared capacity for suffering and mortality as well as our shared dignity.25 Presence is a state of being that many of the most renowned philosophers, spiritual teachers, and psychologists refer to as our ideal and most highly evolved state.

Indeed, wars have been waged in defense of honor—that is, in an attempt to offset shame—and in some cultures, suicide is considered a better alternative to having one’s shame exposed.