Toaster's Handbook / Jokes, Stories, and Quotations

In a cemetery at Middlebury, Vt., is a stone, erected by a widow to her loving husband, bearing this inscription: "Rest in peace—until we meet again."

A southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. George received nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had his eyes on a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out fast enough to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters somewhat by rubbing grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the spot, he called George and asked if he had noticed it. George said, "Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed dat spot and tried mighty hard to get it out, but I couldn't."
"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked.
"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good."
"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?"
"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but dat spot wouldn't come out."
"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a last resort.
"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll fit."

southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. George received nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had his eyes on a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out fast enough to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters somewhat by rubbing grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the spot, he called George and asked if he had noticed it. George said, "Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed dat spot and tried mighty hard to get it out, but I couldn't."
"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked.
"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good."
"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?"
"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but dat spot wouldn't come out."
"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a last resort.
"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll fit."

certain parts of the West Indies the negroes speak English with a broad brogue. They are probably descended from the slaves of the Irish adventurers who accompanied the Spanish settlers.
A gentleman from Dublin upon arriving at a West Indian port was accosted by a burly negro fruit vender with, "Th, top uv th' mornin' to ye, an' would ye be after wantin' to buy a bit o' fruit, sor?"
The Irishman stared at him in amazement.
"An' how long have ye been here?" he finally asked.
"Goin' on three months, yer Honor," said the vender, thinking of the time he had left his inland home.
"Three months, is it? Only three months an' as black as thot? Faith, I'll not land!"

Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. An interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the other who had done nothing.
"Well," replied the pugilistic one, "last Sunday our lesson in Sunday-school was about if a fellow hit you on the left cheek turn the other and get another crack, and I just wanted to see if Bobbie knew his lesson."

little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. An interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the other who had done nothing.
"Well," replied the pugilistic one, "last Sunday our lesson in Sunday-school was about if a fellow hit you on the left cheek turn the other and get another crack, and I just wanted to see if Bobbie knew his lesson."

FATHER (reprovingly)—"Do you know what happens to liars when they die?"
JOHNNY—"Yes, sir; they lie still."

Laugh and the world laughs with you,
Weep, and the laugh's on you.

A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap, stood directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his toes.
As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.
"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath.
"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply self-defense."

Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at home.—Abe Martin.